Hanging from the Chandelier

In the previous Theme "The Good Vibrations", we reviewed ways to attain orgasm mostly on our own with a touch of battery-operated help. There is however very little that is as fulfilling as to be able to orgasm with another person involved and to give this beautiful gift to them.

This is what best selling author, and sex therapist, Dr. Sonia Borg, Ph.D.  truly believes, as she devotes her life to counseling individuals and couples through reaching heightened levels in their sexuality, and even wrote several books about it.

Let me start by asking the burning question:

What are the positions that work best to achieve female pleasure?

"It depends on the woman and what she likes. So, it's ultimately best that women know themselves and their own likes."

OK, I have to confess, I knew this was coming. Dr. Sonia continues: "For example some women need clitoral stimulation, nipple stimulation, g-spot stimulation, or cervical stimulation (deep penetration) to orgasm. They may reach high arousal, but some may never get to orgasm if they are not engaging their mind and giving themselves permission to fully let go and receive pleasure." If that is the case, no position on the planet will help. Often times we have blocks that are not in our awareness, which are keeping us from receiving the pleasure we desire. Dr. Sonia helps bring these blocks up to the surface, so they can be addressed. It is freeing.

Then things got mighty interesting: "And I also suggest that the women get on top [note: written with heterosexual intercourse in mind]. There, she can rub her clitoris on his pelvic bone, ask him to stimulate her breasts, push her pelvis back for deeper penetration, or use her own finger to stimulate her clitoris."

As I mentioned in "The Good Vibrations", it is critical that women explore and identify what works for them. Dr. Sonia confirms: "I often suggest that women learn their sexual response cycle and that is, how we move from arousal to orgasm to our refractory period (e.g. cuddle time). What women usually discover, is the importance of their mind to achieving sexual satisfaction. It's impossible to separate the two."

Isn't this a recurring topic in this Challenge? The fact that I offered movies to feed your imagination in Theme # 2 "Let media light your Fire", and that Claire Cavanah from Toys in Babeland advised you to "Let your mind wander" in Theme # 7 "The Good Vibrations", are no coincidences at all.

Knowing what positions work for you is half the battle. Then there is that other person you are frantically rubbing against in the hope that pleasure will come to you, and to them. This begs the question for us hetero babes:

What are the positions that work best for him to achieve pleasure?

Having written two incredibly insightful books - "Spectacular Sex Moves He'll Never Forget: Ingenious Positions and Techniques That Will Blow His Mind", "Marathon Sex: Incredible Lovemaking Experiences Hotter and Longer Thank You've Ever Done It Before" and "Oral Sex He'll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques Guaranteed to Blow Your Man Away", Dr. Sonia explains: "That's totally individual per man as well. I offer the different positions in my books for everyone to get inspired and try. But part of intimacy is two people opening up and discovering their own and each other's likes and dislikes. There is growth, trust, and beauty in that process. That can't be given to you in a magazine or a blog. It must be experienced. This is your challenge."

For my ladies who love the ladies, know that Oral Sex He'll Never Forget also exists for women: Oral Sex She'll Never Forget: 50 Positions and Techniques That Will Make Her Orgasm Like She Never Has Before.

Dr. Sonia advises us to get "onto the chandelier, under the table, into the car, and on the slide". The many and varied "sexcounters" experienced by the infamous Samantha in Sex and the City flashed before my eyes.

Why is it so important to be experimental and adventurous in bed? (or on the kitchen counter/bath tub/beach?)

"Well, if you want different results, you have to do things differently. Just changing your sex location and routine requires your mind to create new synapses in your brain and therefore new experiences. Change your mind, change your sex life."

Couples invariably end up built on the same model: one always is more adventurous than the other. If this is the case for you, Dr. Sonia advises that you discuss it with your lover. In discussing, it is important to assure your partner by honestly sharing what you love about them and your sex life, and express what you'd like to try. "I love how I feel when you touch me. I feel incredibly loved and safe and I'd love to see what that's like when I'm on top of you [insert a sex position of your choice here]." 

Does the same apply for when we masturbate, I wonder? Can and should we get into different positions then also?

"Interestingly enough, research shows that we maintain the same masturbation patterns from birth unless we consciously decide to try something different. Yes, I encourage people to try new positions in masturbation too. Instead of masturbating with your dominant hand, I suggest you give yourself a "lefty", which is masturbation with your non-dominant hand. Again, it changes the thought patterns in the brain and results in a totally different experience."